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Downloaded this lj for palm app...will see how this works.
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So. My 5th anniversary is coming up this month.
Touchy subject, this. Five years ago me & my husband did the unthinkable--we opted to get married at City Hall, invited only our parents, his brother and my cousin. We kinda held everyone back with a tentative, "well, maybe on our fifth anniversary we'll have a big celebration and invite everyone."
I don't know, am I weird? I never wanted a wedding. It always seemed like a thing pushed down my throat by TV, movies, everything...the wedding industry is a huge business and if anybody doesn't see the brainwashing that's going on, it's ridiculous. "Every girl's dream is to have a big huge wedding, with a white dress, and a perfect cake, and just this to be Your Day..." i can't stand it. Doesn't anyone see the fakeness? The stupid wedding games--what friggin purpose do they serve? The bride and groom always seem more stressed out than in love, they can barely go to the bathroom because they're always needed on stage.
This is not what I wanted, but now I'm kinda swaying...after all, when so many friends and relatives gasp in astonishment one starts to wonder. What's wrong with me, I think. Why don't I want a Cinderella wedding--even now, when I have the opportunity to plan one?
What's more...I don't even know what I'm doing for the stupid five-year anniversary. It's too late to plan something big, maybe we'll go small...but classy? With just the family (again)? I need to give it some thought.
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вот интересно...
смотрела на днях с детьми новый мультик по 11 каналу (нью-йоркский канал), называется GoGoRiki . Типо аниме мультик такой, только в некоторых кадрах там по-русски надписи идут. Например, на книге надпись "рецепты" по-русски...
Интересно, правда? Сюжет вроде не о России--какие-то зайчики там на лужайке прыгают, то есть неопределённо где. Но мультик симпатичный, вот они на интернете:
http://www.4kids.tv/show/gogoriki
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| 2009-05-16 21:49 |
| Муха |
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Из детства запомнилось. Один раз я наблюдала, как к нам залетела муха в форточку. Залетела--и запуталась между рамами. Муха пробовала все средства оттуда выбраться, кроме правильного: побилась об стекло, потом попробовала поползти, но только никак не могла понять, куда. Форточка была у неё за спиной, совсем рядом, а ползла она в противоположную сторону, вперёд. Потом, ничего не найдя, стала ползти по кругу...потом мама позвала, "что ты там в окно пялишься, иди--обед уже остыл!" и я пошла обедать, потом забыла про неё.
Пару дней спустя она лежала мёртвая на подоконнике между рамами.
Что-то вспоминается мне эта история иногда: ведь и мы иногда не видим прямого пути, идём в обход, суетимся...и запутываемся ещё больше, и никогда не выберемся на волю.
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Вчера красили детскую, и дети спали у нас: Даник со мной в кровати, а Стасик на отдельной маленькой кроватке рядом.(Диму отселили в гостиную на диван).
Сегодня утром Стасик проснулся первый. Он сел, взлохмаченный, на кроватке, пошарил глазками по комнате, и шатаясь, потопал ко мне под бок с другой стороны от Даника.
Через несколько минут проснулся Даник. Первой его фразой было, "А где Стасик?"
"Десь"-раздалось с моей другой стороны.
"Стасик! Давай спрячемся под одеяло!" предложил Даник.
Они спрятались.
На одеяле появилось два хохочущих бугорочка, и то и дело доносилось:
"Стасииик...ты где?"
"Десь!!!"
Вот такое было утро. Хотя, по-моему, Даник сопливит.
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Вчера или день был тяжёлый, или что ещё. Опять ощутила непонимание с детьми. Они вообще большие эгоисты, эти дети. И это в четыре и два года, что же будет дальше?
Попыталась порыться в собственных детских вспоминаниях, нет не было у меня такого. Я знала, если мама мне говорила, "сиди играй меня не беспокой"--это было ВСЁ. Муж тоже припоминает, как родители утром спали а они с братом тихонечко играли, чтобы их не разбудить. Эти же...если им СЕЙЧАС ВОТ ПРЯМО не дать, будут ныть, и орать, и на нервах играть...
Конечно, наверное всё наша вина, не прививаем к ним самостоятельности. Но как привить--повсюду всякие мамки-няньки-бабки. Если оставляю одних, ровно через пять минут из комнаты доносится грохот и чей-то плач.
Я ещё думала, что равнять на себя детей не надо--я выросла в другой стране в другое время. Кстати, очень хотелось бы узнать, как сейчас воспитывают детей в России...так же, как в США или остались советские привычки? Здесь нужно за детьми постоянно наблюдать, вон мне сказали что до тринадцати лет дома детей одних оставлять запрещается. Когда я росла, я вообще с родителями общалась маловато...гуляла во дворе со сверстниками. Летом, очень хорошо помню, (это мне точно меньше шести лет было)--бегали мы все по улицам в деревне, гурьбою, дети разных возрастов и никто не беспокоился. И так познавался мир, да и мама с ума не сходила если я там что-то делаю. А потом, в школе, приходила домой одна ещё классе в 3-4, стоял обед, подогревала, кушала. Так-то.
Но, конечно, негативного тоже много было, например то, что каждый прохожий на улице мог тебе сделать замечание или тебя поучить чему-то, и ты должна была слушать. Или знаменитое "не можешь--научим, не хочешь--заставим". Детсадовское наказание в виде стояния в углу перед всем классом в одних трусах. Здесь такого нет.
Но здесь полно другого давления на маленьких--рекламного, полит-корректного. Четырёхлетний Даник уже "вызывает полицию" по игрушечному телефону, потому что братик его обижает. Также он хочет йогурт только с рисунком на банке, который он видел на рекламе. Молоко только с зайчиком на пакете. Неважно, какая там гадость внутри, главное--зайчик на пакете нарисован!
И почему мои дети не любят моей любимой детской еды? Если им дать волю, они будут только одни конфеты, мороженное и печенье жрать и шоколадным молоком всё это дело запивать. Просто обидно, сделала им протёртый супчик моя мама (мой любимый!!!) они и нюхать его не хотели...даже пюре картофельное не любят. А Даник так ненавидит фрукты и овощи что даже варенье есть отказывается, потому что там вишенки и клубнички лежат.
Такое настроение у меня после каждых выходных. Если я детей сейчас не понимаю, то из них оболтусы вырастут, наверное? Срываюсь на них жутко, крики, оры. Когда Стасик решает облизать кнопки в лифте, или Даник решает спустить зубную щётку в унитаз, или когда убегают на улице, или когда пытаются залезть на телевизор с целью спрыгивания, когда рисуют на стене, когда хотят выпить мыльные пузыри или покушать ластик от карандашей, когда Стасик залезает в подгузник ручкой, достаёт оттуда какашки и пытается из них пластилин изобразить (!), когда раздаётся это вечное "мама! хочу это! хочу это!!!" Вот так, и никакие книги по воспитанию не помогают. Может, пригласить кого на дом, чтобы успокоительное колол???
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Me llaman el desaparecido
Cuando llega ya se ha ido
Volando vengo, volando voy
Deprisa deprisa a rumbo perdido
Cuando me buscan nunca estoy
Cuando me encuentran yo no soy
El que está enfrente porque ya
Me fui corriendo más allá
Me dicen el desaparecido
Fantasma que nunca está
Me dicen el desagradecido
Pero esa no es la verdad
Yo llevo en el cuerpo un dolor
Que no me deja respirar
Llevo en el cuerpo una condena
Que siempre me echa a caminar
Me dicen el desaparecido
Que cuando llega ya se ha ido
Volando vengo, volando voy
Deprisa deprisa a rumbo perdido
Me dicen el desaparecido
Fantasma que nunca está
Me dicen el desagradecido
Pero esa no es la verdad
Yo llevo en el cuerpo un motor
Que nunca deja de rolar
llevo en el alma un camino
Destinado a nunca llegar
Cuando me buscan nunca estoy
Cuando me encuentran yo no soy
El que esta enfrente por que ya
me fui corriendo mas alla
Me dicen el desaparecido
Cuando llega ya se ha ido
Volando vengo, volando voy
Deprisa deprisa a rumbo perdido
Perdido en el siglo...
Perdido en el siglo…
siglo XX...
rumbo al XXI…
(English Translation)
They call me the disappearer
when they come I've already gone,
Flying I come, flying I go
Quickly, quickly on a lost course
When they hunt me I'm not there
When they find me, I’m someone else
The one that’s always just ahead,
because I've already moved on
They call me the disappearer
The phantom whos never there
They call me the ungrateful,
But that's not the way it is
I carry on me a pain and sorrow,
that doesn't let me breathe,
I carry on me a final sentence,
That’s always pushing me along
They call me the disappearer
when they come I've already gone,
Flying I come, flying I go
Quickly, quickly on a lost course
They call me the disappearer
The phantom whos never there
They call me the ungrateful,
But that's not the way it is
I carry in my body a motor
that's always running and alive
I carry in my soul a destination,
but I never will arrive
When they hunt me, I'm not there
When they find me, I’m someone else
The one that’s always just ahead,
because I've already moved on
They call me the disappearing one
When they come I've already gone,
Flying I come, flying I go
Quickly, quickly on a lost course
Lost in the century,
the 20th century,
Heading for the 21st
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so my friend masha took me to this buddhist type of play that i still think about, it was called "tibet does not exist"--performed in this little theater on the 5th floor of an apartment building, like in someone's living room.
it was questioning the existence of things, and i'm still thinking about it. i've always thought about this, in the simplest form when I was maybe five years old, i thought if my friend was still there when I said goodbye to her after kindergarten. but now even more--people come and go in my life, and when they're gone it's as if they cease existing. and then sometimes i run into them, or give them a call, and it feels as if they've been frozen in time since the moment i left them. I'm not even sure I exist anymore, maybe I'm someone else's dream, and when they wake up I'll be gone...
Another thing that was said in the play is that desire and fear drive mankind, and we have to get rid of desire and fear as much as possible. Most of the time, honestly, my life has nothing in it other than desire and fear. Actually, I oscillate between two states, weirdness and harmony. Weirdness is when everything feels wrong, and not like it's supposed to me. Harmony obviously is the opposite. I feel harmony less and less often, the most powerful time when I felt it was when I was a kid, in the mornings...all things seemed to be where they were supposed to be.
I just spend too much time thinking about things, don't I. And I don't believe in god so this makes everything harder to bear.
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I'm on call again, and even though it's (relatively) quiet, I can't sleep...I'm afraid the minute I lay my head on the pillow my pager will go off and then I'll be all groggy.
All sorts of crazy thoughts. For example, I'm starting to think that Danny has a musical ability. I heard him sing and he sure can carry a tune, and on Sunday we went to a restaurant with him and he danced really well, kept up with the beat. Also I noticed he can tell if a song is not playing right. So basically I'm noticing all these little things that make me think he's musically inclined.
And so, I enter a danger zone. How can I be sure that I'm not pushing him for this? I already looked up a school for the "musically gifted" for him to audition at. Yet he likes singing when nobody is around, and when I take him to these kid music classes, he usually hates it. And then there is this parental transferrance, the ever-present desire to live vicariously through your kid, to have them accomplish things you couldn't. As a kid, I had a really bad ear for music, which improved a tad after 5 years of music school and piano lessons but still leaves a lot to be desired. I can carry a tune somewhat, but honestly I'm more enthusiastic than good at playing music. And as excited as I am for Danny, could it be that I'm overestimating his ability because I want him to succeed at something I couldn't?
But on the other side of the coin, how can a 4 year old know what he's good at? He likes a lot of things, most of them are shared by his peers. He likes running around--does this mean I have to now start training him for the NYC marathon? He loves doing backflips and standing on his head--should I sign him up for gymnastics? What about soccer--the other day he scored a goal past yours truly...So it's easy to get carried away with this stuff, and in a way our parents do pick a path for us that will later define us as adults. If Mozart's dad never introduced him to the clavier, would he be a great composer? If the Williams sisters' parents decided to have them take swim classes, would they win all those medals? We will never get those answers but I'm not so sure it would happen.
And so I'm torn, between letting my kid be a kid and shaping his future. And now I really need to go to sleep.
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And by the way, all this time I haven't been writing. And Stan turned two!
I've been wasting my friggin' time on facebook...it's super-addictive, i'm like updating my status every two seconds and taking all sorts of stupid quizzes. reminds me of the first time i discovered lj when i'd be walking down the street and thinking something and suddenly i'd be like, "oh my god, i have to write about this on lj!" except with facebook it's easier b/c it's on my cell phone and i can update it instantaneously.
but happy birthday to Stanley James! he's growing up to be quite an interesting dude. more on this later?
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i guess you haven't lived until you spent the night with a puking one-year-old.
seriously.
he was so sad, he kept trying to fall asleep and then throwing up and then had the most surprised face like, "who's waking me up?" and at one point, he was trying to wash the puke off his hand when i was holding him over the sink.
i have a lot of stuff i want to post here when i'm driving to or from work, but then i forget it all. i've become so forgetful these days. so what was i saying again? i don't remember.
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Нет приятнее занятья,
Чем в носу поковырять.
Всем ужасно интересно,
Что там спрятано внутри.
А тому, кому противно,
Тот пускай и не глядит.
Мы же в нос к нему не лезем,
Пусть и он не пристаёт.
Это я на ночь сегодня Данику читала, из "вредных советов". Я, наверное, слова немного переврала, но ничего. Очень уж он любит это дело, иногда пальчик до половины туда засовывает. Иногда с гордостью мне показывает, что он там нашёл :)
А на днях Даник и Давид (мальчик из сада) друг на друга стали писать в туалете. По словам воспитательницы, зачинителем был Давид. Когда пришёл Давидов папа, он с гордостью сказал, "Папа, я больше никогда не буду на Даника писать!" И потом тихонечко добавил, "а на других можно?"
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leaving mexico tomorrow
i hate it when vacations end and you have to face reality
goodbye sunny beach and bathing suits and besame besame mucho
boo hoo
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oh, i forgot to post a dream i had in the couple hours of sleep i got on call.
i dreamt that i fell out of an airplane and died. and my children came to visit me in the afterlife...it seemed like it was heaven maybe, because before they could see me they had to change into these white robes, and they told me that they miss me a lot but then they had to go back to earth.
i don't remember the dream in its entirety, just two parts: the freefall from the airplane, it felt so good for some reason--the air rushing against my face...
and then the meeting with the kids, and this incredible feeling of sadness. i woke up with tears.
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i'm reading a lot of books on child-rearing now...but this idea just came to me.
somebody should write a book about parent-rearing...i mean, grown up kids relating to their parents. because i'm telling you, some of the methods i'm reading in these "how to talk so kids can listen" books i want to use on my mom! i think it's time to return the books to the library and really just start paying attention to my children and forming a relationship with them based on what i feel is right, not some method on paper. "how to talk so kids can listen" is actually the better one, because it basically talks about how you have to treat your kids with the same respect you treat other people--but that's kind of self-understandable. i wish my parents treated me with respect. well, they do respect me but they're still unwilling to give up control and let me make my own decisions. and this strains my relationship with them and my relationship with my own family as well. i'm being very disrespectful to my mom lately, but she just stresses me out so much that sometimes it's easier to hang up the phone rather than argue with her. anyhow, i'm looking to find some kind of a solution but for these past 4 years we're kind of in this lockdown: she gives too much advice so i don't listen to any of it, she knows i don't listen so this makes her want to be more persistent about giving me advice.
so here are my thoughts on how to improve our relationship. i'm writing this down mostly for myself to refer to but you're welcome to read as well.
1. as hard as it is sometimes, try to listen to her with undivided attention. pick out some advice which is valid and accept it, "this is a really good idea, Mom! I'm going to try do to this..."
2. Try to leave all the issues I've had with her behind me. There wasn't much, so I should forgive and forget. You can't move on until you leave the past in the past.
3. Praise her for the things she does more, but not overdo the praise. Be sincere, "Mom, thank you so much for looking after Danny the other day. It was a huge help and he really likes being around you."
4. Try to recall how I felt about her as a kid. I mean, up until maybe 16-17...maybe even until college my mom to me was the coolest, smartest, funniest, most stylish and beautiful woman I knew. Some of these qualities she still has...she just got tangled up in mundane stuff so it took a lot out of her. But she can still rock.
5. Schedule some one-to-one time, maybe like a lunch or shopping...
6. Not let her bring me down. Sometimes after our conversations I feel I'm the Worst Parent in The World. That is simply not true. I'm a very good mother, I might not have all the answers but nobody does. But I will do anything for my children, I just don't have the same priorities my mother does...but hey, they're my kids, I'm responsible for them now.
That's as much as I have now, I really need to get some sleep after my call. I'll think about it more...
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so i'm on night float now, where every night i work 6pm-7am shift. it sucks. even though they put us on for two weeks, within 3-4 days i get time confused, and don't know when is day and when is night and what day it is.
the other night, i was called to evaluate an old lady. i examined her, she was OK. "pull up a chair, " she said. I sat down. "You know, you might think I'm totally crazy, but I think I'm gonna die," she said.
"Don't worry, everything is OK. You're not going to die," I told her
Next morning, she passed away.
Good going, huh.
I can't wait until vacation--five more days! I'll be in Mexico, yay!
I can't believe I'm going to be 30 soon. I already spotted several gray hairs and new wrinkles...this is the beginning of the end. Maybe it's the people I'm exposed to now, but I keep thinking what I'm going to be like when I'm really old. Will I be a total vegetable with bedsores? Or will I be a feisty 95 year old who cracks jokes and plays tennis? Or will I get stroked out and have to be fed and drool all over the place? Life is so inevitable, with each year time speeds up and it's scary to go so fast. All right, off to bed--maybe I'll get a couple hours of sleep.
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so by now most of my US friends have heard of the whole peanut butter craze. Our ER is quickly filling with people who complain of diarrhea "after eating peanut butter." (The fact that they also had leftover Chinese food and sushi somehow does not relate in their mind to the diarrhea).
"
Anyhow, the CDC (center for disease control) distributed the official note to our hospital about the whole Salmonella outbreak. According to it, they finally traced the source to a company in Georgia called PCA and to King Nut peanut butter it produces. CDC then goes on to say, "Major national brands of jarred peanut butter are not affected by the PCA recall."
So there. Good thing I didn't throw out my Skippy--it's like the only thing that Danny eats these days :)
More info here:
http://www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/hottopics/salmonellatyph.html#update
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believe it or not, i think in the long term people will remember bush not just for his silly remarks but also for the last bit of stability in our nation. as bad as people think bush was, obama will be 10 times worse, you can count on that.
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ok, let me vent a little bit.
there are 2 events in the news that piss me off.
1. obama's inauguration. so this is the guy who's going to solve the economic crisis, right? i think he's off to a great start--160 mil ball. Talk about bling-bling, huh. I'm not a huge fan of Bush, but I remember how people were pissed off at him for having a 60 million pricetag for his. He was a "greedy Republican" but I guess Democrats aren't greedy, no. How about donating this money to charity, Mr. Obama? In dire times some presidents refused an inaugural ball. What's there to celebrate--that we're all going down the friggin drain? Now, this is typical of somebody who like I said before should win Mr. Popularity contests, not the presidency. And he's hiring some celebrity interior designer to redecorate the White House...clearly, for concern of all those Americans who have to look at the gawky old furniture there. I'm thinking I should invest in "Don't blame me, I voted for McCain" bumper stickers...
2. The whole plane thing. Tragic, no doubt. But why the f is every single news station mulching this over and over and over? We get the situation. There is no need to have a two hour report with five pilots, two bird experts and some random dude commenting on how the whole thing applies to this situation. Seriously, how dumb do you think people are?
All right, now that I vented, let me go and cure the ill.
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annushka's journal
exhausted